Two Queers and a Hammer

Hello all.

I have a question to put before you. Have you ever delt with ‘plastic’ snubbing you? Let me clarify. At a recent work event I was in a female dominated space with co-workers and was having a good time. There were a few men I met there, older than me and collegues that I liked. I was standing there chatting when two men my age and shall we say ‘persuasion’ and both walked by me. Neither returned my smile or attempted to say hello. What I got was this ‘Oh you think you’re all that sneer’ as they walked past. Now those of you who know me, know that I am a pretty social guy. So this was kind of off putting for me. I have never thought of myself as competition for any guy. I’m the funny one…not the cute one. But here were two guys treating me like I was competition to them.

I attempted to converse with them and go the same disdain. A friend told me that they were staring daggers at me! I mean REALLY! What is this….high school. So my question is have any of you delt with ‘plastics’. I should say that I call them plastics becasue they rely totally on their looks…like a barbie or ken doll. If you have, how do you deal with them. Me, I just laughed. I was flumoxed with their attitude. I wasn’t competing with them. I was having a nice time and trying to meet new people. I decided to ignore them….

So tell me, how do you deal with these people.

Matt

Over the years before I met my partner Tim, I have had many date…many, many, many dates. One of the things that has alwasy stuck out is the scent of the man I was going out with. So I’m gonna put it out there. MEN WEAR TOO MUCH COLOGNE! Now before you get all up in arms. Not all men wear to much but alot do. Through trial and error I have devised four rules for colonge use. If you’re a guy, try this. If you ‘re married woman, gently suggest this to your over spritz husband.

The rules.

1: DON’T BUY CHEAP KNOCKOFFS. Cheap cologne has a high alcohol content. Not only does it sting like crazy on a freshly shaved face but it can irritate untouched skin. It also disapates fast, leaving you with very little scent. Break down and buy the good stuff.

2: People should not smell you before they see you or worse taste you. Cologne is ment to entice. If you leave a scent trail that be followed around a room, you are wearing too much. Worse is someone is standing near you and takes a breath through their mouth and can taste the chemical fog of your cologne…well that’s just nasty.

3. Less is more. The whole point of cologne is to entice people into your personal space. You choose who you want in it. Want is sexier than an attractive woman or man invading your space and smelling you, drawing them closer. If your cologne is too strong it can be off putting.

4. Have a variety of scents. Just like you don’t wear the same outfit each day, have a few choices for the day. It can vary to mood. Some days are crisp and clean, others are musky and others can be spicy. I personally have work, day and evening colognes. The more the merrier.

Okay with that said here is my no fail way to applie cologne.

First hold the bottle at least 12 inches away from you. You should walk slighly into the mist you spray. It covers a larger area. Second and most important. ONE spritz per area….NO MORE.

Below is a diagram THe first site is the upper chest/neck. It’s best to wait a half an hour after shaving to avoid the burn/sting. Even posh cologne’s have alcohol as a dispersal medium. This site is great for getting hugs. The hugger will get a nice breez of scent from you and your body heat will keep the cologne active. I’ve had more than one person hug me and tell me I smelled wonderful. Draws them in guys with no fail

The second site is the secret weapon. In our modern world quite a few of us are desk bound. By spray your cologne at the base of your back, just above the cheeks, as you walk by someone sitting they catch a whiff of your cologne. It’s tantilizing and they will turn their head searching for the smell and see you walking away giving them a nice view of your butt as a bonus. PS this application also creates a deflector screen against the occasion bit of gas that comes out.

Just a little bit of helpful advice to one and all.

Enjoy

Matt

Next Wednesday I’ll show you fives and beyond. It can go good or look a hot mess. Stay tuned for Friday, our opinions and advice day!

I’m asked more often than not how to arrange items in a pleasing way. Here are my tips.

“Ones” Ones are the simplest. There are factors to take into account. When you place a singular item is should have a ‘POW’. This is not the place for a simple, restrained item. GO BIG. This a picture of a jade marble vase I had coveted at Renniger’s Antique Mall for over two years. I loved it…hated the price. One day the shope owner’s daughter caught me looking at it. Mind you, it hadn’t been sold in the two years I had been stalking it. HEHEHE. We ended up chatting and I ended up getting it for $100 off. I could swallow its price then. It never hurts to ask. I placed this in the front entry, so when you enter, it’s the first thing you see. I added pussy willow branches I found for a steal at the Mt. Dora arts festival.

LOVE IT.

Next are “Threes” A bit more difficult.

Rule of thumb for me is…a ‘hmm’ piece, an ‘organic piece’ and a ‘sharp piece’. I’ll explain the examples bellow.

Example 1

Here is the breakdown. The globe is the ‘hmm’ piece. It’s nicely detailed and tall. You’ll find yourself searching for countries. Did I mention you should vary heights. The owl is solid stone and it’s my ‘organic’ and the jack is the ‘sharp’ piece due to the angles. Also they are of a similar color palate.

Example 2

Number two. The vase is the ‘hmmm’. It’s an antique from my mother. The ‘organic’ is the solid granite apple and the ‘sharp’ is a trio of crystal star candle holders from my mom. WAIT….what, what, what! That’s five items. In this case the three stars are so small, when clustered they read as one. These are guidelines, remain flexible with your arrangements.

Example 3

Here is a variation of my rules. In this case, shape is the ruling factor. This is more harmonious a grouping. The others were more dynnamic. The plate is the ‘Hmmm’. Seriously who doesn’t like a bit of gold bling. The glass sphere is the organic. Not really organic but the lines are fluid like water…YES I validated that! HEHE and lastly is the ‘sharp’ lines of the chinese teapot. Also the colors meld. Gold t in the plate to the gold yellow in the sphere that has brown, that is in the pot. Harmony…yet texture.

Those are my rules of three. A set of three can be dynamic or harmonious. A ‘hmm’ piece, an ‘organic’ piece and a ‘sharp’ piece. These are the basic guidelines. Mix and match and try things out. I am always altering and replacing items. Just because you found a good grouping doesn’t mean you can’t tweak it, so have fun!

Matt

Don’t let my name fool you. I’m as italian as the Pope is Catholic!  My mother’s side of the family are New Jersey italians and we LOVE to eat. Growing up I remember saucepots of sausage and peppers on the stove, cooking all day long, filling the house with those delicious aromas. Pasta with meatballs and italian “gravy” as a precursor to Roast Beef, Pork Loin or any other type of roast. And who could forget the desserts…cheesecakes, cannolis and pastries from the italian bakery. One thing my mother never forgot to serve us was salad. And we always wanted her Creamy Italian dressing. I hope you enjoy this recipe as much as I have all these years.

Creamy Italian Dressing

1 cup Hellmans Mayonnaise (Now that I live in the south, I use Dukes Mayonnaise…i love it!)

3 tablespoons milk (whole or 2%…I only have 2% in my fridge)

3 tablespoons apple cider vinegar

2 cloves garlic, minced or chopped real fine (use as much garlic as you want, but not enough to overpower the dressing)

1/2 teaspoon of dried oregano

1/2 teaspoon sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon pepper

Mix together well. Chill for at least an hour prior to serving. This recipe can be doubled and tripled if you wish.

Enjoy…..Tim

Okay, this is Matt.

I have to add a few notes so you don’t have any ‘ISSUES’!  My niece and budding food critic Christina took this recipe home to Arkansas for her, her mother and my mom. Of course my mother decided to make this dressing. Being the cook in the family, she felt it her duty to make it. And at first she did it exactly as it’s written….until she made some changes. First off, she stopped measuring the ingrediants. You have alot of powerful flavors in it. The recipe is balanced precisely. But NOOOOOO, she had to wing it. It came out too watery sometimes, too thick, too vinegary. She also added a cheat. She used the pre minced garlic in a jar!  OH HELL NO. While I admit I use it in soups and some sauces, pre minced garlic doesn’t have the kick fresh garlic does. It also is watery. It totally ruins the dressing. So man or woman up and mince that fresh garlic…NO SUBSTITUTES. Also use Hellman’s or Dukes. NOTHING ELSE! It alters the flavors. PS…I like whole milk in the dressing it makes it thicker, but if you’re watching calories try 2%

With that said here are a few of the things I like this dressing on.

Salad, pizza, chips, chili, plain pasta, garlic bread, hamburgers, brats, scrambled eggs, a roast beef sandwhich,  a chicken sandwhich, white rice with cooked veggies…you name it. It gives food a powerful punch of flavor.

My name is Matt Ortiz and my parnter is Tim Marsh. Over the years we have lived, moved, ate, redecorated, renovated, rehashed, repurposed and enjoyed our lives. We have been fortunate to live in the great city of Phoenix, AZ and now reside in the Sunshine State of Florida…Orlando to be precise. We have made countless friends and aquaintances over the years and in all that time we have been barraged with so many questions on our everyday lives. First off is our cooking. Tim was the primary cook in our household for years. It was he, who introduced me to ‘from scatch’ cooking. I can tell you that 17 years later, I can taste chemicals in pre made food. Eight years later I joined him in the kitchen and we have been amazing our friends with our simple, clean and delicious meals. Second topic is our home. I can say we have evolved as a couple in our tastes and have now created a home that is uniquely ours. Functional beauty is our motto. Third…well we are known for our strong opinions on culture, fashion, manners and entertainment.

Here in our blog.  We plan to share tips on design, mistakes and triumphs. Recipes for quick and scrumptous meals that can feed an army…seriously you’ll meet our family soon. And lastly day to day living, dressing and TV viewing. Since we have been helping out our friends for so many years, we decided to share what we know with everyone. You may like what we do, what we cook or what we say…you may not. It’s totally up to you.

We chose ‘Two Queers and a Hammer’ as the title because so many of our heterosexual friends were shocked at how proficient Tim and I are at home renovating. We are more than happy to get messy for a beautiful outcome. We want to share our ideas and tips to hopefully make your projects go smoothly.

So we hope you enjoy ‘Two Queers and a Hammer”. Updates should be posted Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Monday is food, Wedneday is Design and Friday is a plethora of opinions and advice.

Sooooooo….Welcome to one and all!

Matt and Tim